Aliens, Demons, & Converts

The Truth is Out There

I have no doubt that there is intelligent life on planets other than our own. Nor do I doubt that extraterrestrials have visited Earth, though I doubt they would visit a second time, given the quality of intelligent life on our planet.

According to a 2021 Pew Research Center survey, 85% of atheists and agnostics believe that intelligent life exists beyond Earth, while only 40% of white evangelicals agree. It isn’t that they doubt the veracity of UFO sightings; they just doubt that what they are seeing are space aliens. As Vice President and former white evangelical JD Vance explained on the Benny Show podcast, “I don’t think they’re aliens, I think they’re demons….”

“Every great world religion, including Christianity, the one that I believe in,” JD said, “has understood that there are weird things out there, and there are things that are very difficult to explain. And I naturally go, when I hear about sort of extra-natural phenomenon, that’s where I go, is the Christian understanding that, you know, there’s a lot of good out there, but there’s also some evil out there. I think that one of the Devil’s great tricks is to convince people he never existed.”

The trick worked on me; I don’t believe in the Devil. But I do believe in evil, and JD’s linking of aliens to demons mirrors Donald Trump’s view of Mexicans and Stephen Miller’s policy toward non-white aliens, so there’s a reason the Devil Wears Red.

In any case, when it comes to space aliens, I take pride once again in being a Jew.

Dr. David Weintraub, professor of astronomy at Vanderbilt University and the author of Religions and Extraterrestrial Life, affirms that “Judaism accepts the possibility of extraterrestrial life. Jewish theology may actually require belief in extraterrestrials, since there are no limits on the power of the creator. Thus, for Jews to say that no life beyond the Earth could possibly exist would be unacceptable, as such an idea would appear to place shackles on God’s creative power… the universe belongs to God and God can do what God wishes to do with the universe.”

Too bad God never wishes to make the universe just, compassionate, and loving. I don’t believe in that God either.

Centuries ago, the Jewish philosopher Hasdai Crescas (1340-1411), in his classic work Ohr Hashem (Light of God), argued that life on other planets is not at odds with Jewish belief, citing, among other prooftexts, Psalm 19:2: “The heavens declare the glory of God,” Psalm 145:13: “Your kingdom is a kingdom spanning all olamim (worlds),” and the Talmudic teaching that “God flies through 18,000 worlds” (Avoda Zara 3b).

The question remains whether any of the inhabitants of these 18,000 worlds follow God back to our own. I doubt it. If aliens are curious about the workings of our anal cavities or wish to test our defenses with fast-moving spaceships, they can find this information on Google.

But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they do come here, or will come here after we purge our anal cavities of Cyclospora and Taco Bell lettuce, because—though I feel bad that JD, a recent convert to Catholicism, didn’t think of this—they, too, are interested in converting to Catholicism.

Years ago, Vatican astronomer Father Guy Consolmagno said that if aliens had souls, that is, if they were self-aware and intelligent, with free will and the freedom to love and make decisions, then, if they asked to be baptized into the Church, he would do so.

This is where Catholicism has a significant advantage over Judaism. After a few introductory classes in Catholic teaching, all Father Guy needs to do is pour holy water over the alien’s head three times while reciting the Trinitarian formula: “I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” But things are far more difficult for Jews.

Let’s say an alien lands on Earth and decides, for theological or gastronomical reasons, that he wants to convert to Judaism. And let’s say that, while identifying as male on his home planet, he lacks anything resembling a penis here. How is he going to get circumcised?

Not to worry; rabbis think of everything. While I doubt they imagined a penis-less extraterrestrial seeking to become one of God’s Chosen, they did consider human men without penises doing so. Their answer to this situation is Hatafat Dam Brit: “drawing a drop of blood of the covenant.”

It turns out that God only needs a drop of blood to make his covenant with Jewish men, not the whole foreskin. Who knew? Unfortunately for me, not my dad.

Anyway, our alien visitor can become a Jew by donating a single drop of blood from the area we would associate with his genitals. Of course, this applies only to male aliens. Female aliens, even if they have multiple penises, need only enter the Mikva, or ritual bath, to become a Jew.

I share all this with you because the Department of War recently released a new tranche of declassified UFO and Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena documents, photos, and videos, which prove, at least to me, that 1) aliens exist, 2) the Epstein Files will never be released, and 3) the real demons run our government.