Don't Be An Asshole

a platform I can get behind

[TRIGGER WARNING: This post reconstructs a conversation I had early this morning. Some of you may find its language offensive. If you do, simply stop reading. Please don’t email me to complain. Just unsubscribe.]

This morning around six, as Sofiyah, my Goldendoodle, and I stopped at Veda’s Flowers so she could eat one of the Milk-Bone biscuits Veda’s leaves out for dogs, a homeless man sitting nearby asked for change. I don’t carry cash when we walk, but I had found some change on the sidewalk earlier and gave it to him.

“You’ve just donated to my presidential campaign,” he said. “Would you like to hear my platform?”

Sophie was still eating the biscuit, so I said, “Sure, let’s hear it.”

“Don’t be an asshole.”

“Well,” I started to say in protest.

“No, that’s my platform: don’t be an asshole. Here’s my healthcare plan: everybody gets what Congress gets. Anyone who messes with that is an asshole. Don’t be an asshole. Here’s my tax plan: everyone pays ten cents on every dollar they make, no matter how they make it. Anyone who tries to pay less is an asshole. Don’t be an asshole. Here’s my environmental plan: everybody gets clean air, clean water, and healthy food. Anyone who messes with that is an asshole. Don’t be an asshole. It goes on from there, but you get the point: Don’t be an asshole.”

I looked around to see if I was being filmed as part of a joke. Not seeing anyone, I asked, “What’s your foreign policy?”

“Don’t support assholes. Countries or people that kill babies, bomb innocent people, or oppress people are assholes. Don’t support assholes.”

“Where do you stand on freedom of speech?”

“Speak the truth. Assholes lie and con people. Don’t be an asshole. Can I count on your vote?”

“Absolutely,” I said. “What’s your name?”

“Are you kidding me?” he said, standing and walking away. “I’m not giving you my name. For all I know, you’re an asshole!”